To share or not to share?

I've been hearing and reading a lot lately about this new thing of not teaching your children to share, or even teaching them not to share. Maybe it goes along with this whole attachment parenting or something, but I think it's just silly!

Of course you don't want to yank a toy out of your child's hand the moment someone else seems interested. And I will for sure do all I can to teach my child to not be the one trying to take the toy without asking.  But I definitely can teach my child that when someone else wants the thing he has, that he can stop a moment and recognize if he wants to keep playing with it longer, or if he is willing to share it with someone else right now.  They could take turns, or he could give it up and find himself a new toy.  But how could your child learn any of those solutions if you don't teach them to him, by example and by him trying them out?

Some of the articles I've read are saying that you just completely leave it up to your kid.  That if they have it in their hand, then it's theirs and it doesn't matter if someone else wants to play with it or even play with them.  The parents don't intervene.  And one blog praises the rule that you don't have to share at all.  Once you have a toy in your hand, it's yours, and please teach the other children to not even ask for a turn with it.

I've read blogs where it says that it's just how the child's psychology is right now and they don't grasp the concept of sharing.  But isn't that our job as parents, to teach those little minds how they OUGHT to be?  Not to just let them keep up with the mentality of a toddler all their lives.

I'd much rather teach my child to be giving and kind. To welcome opportunities to make friends with someone else.  To learn how to be more Christlike in being selfless and meeting others' needs.  To work and play together. To teach them what it means to have a turn with something.  And even to look around themselves for other things that could be meaningful besides just what they are dealing with at that very moment, such as making someone else happy.

One blogger says that "No" is a perfectly fine response to someone asking you if you will share. But I'd rather my son said, "How about later," "Let's play together" or "we can take turns."  I can't believe that one of the blogs basically states that a child who thinks sharing is ok will grow up thinking they can get whatever they want, just because they want it. (Wouldn't it be the other way around?  If you get to hoard your toys, I imagine you'd be gaining a sense of entitlement.)  I learned sharing as a child, and I completely understand as an adult that I don't just get whatever I want whenever I want it.  But I also understand that if I'm standing in line at the drinking fountain and someone is in front of me, taking all day, that it is completely polite and ok for me to ask if he might be willing to give me a quick turn.  (In my experience, I've never had to do that because people have always just given me a turn or stepped aside when they noticed they were taking too long.)  And I understand that if someone comes to my house on a hot summer day, that I should welcome them and offer them a cold drink of my water.  I would hope that someone else would do the same for me!  And, as an adult, I am only beginning to really understand that all things on the earth are God's, and that I should make every effort to overcome pride, serve the poor and needy, offer up what I have without waiting for someone to ask for it, and do all things with an eye single to God's glory.

The President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, God's prophet on the earth today, tells a story of his childhood which I think relates nicely: 

“I have many memories of my boyhood. Anticipating Sunday dinner was one of them. Just as we children … sat anxiously at the table, with the aroma of roast beef filling the room, Mother would say to me, ‘Tommy, before we eat, take this plate I’ve prepared down the street to Old Bob and hurry back.’

“I could never understand why we couldn’t first eat and later deliver his plate of food. I never questioned aloud but would run down to his house and then wait anxiously as Bob’s aged feet brought him eventually to the door. Then I would hand him the plate of food. He would present to me the clean plate from the previous Sunday and offer me a dime as pay for my services. My answer was always the same: ‘I can’t accept the money. My mother would tan my hide.’ He would then run his wrinkled hand through my blond hair and say, ‘My boy, you have a wonderful mother. Tell her thank you.’ … Sunday dinner always seemed to taste a bit better after I had returned from my errand” (“The Long Line of the Lonely,” Ensign, Feb. 1992, 4).

After a story like that, I can say for certain that President Monson's mother taught him to share in the best of ways.  I'm sure she did not teach him that just because he had something first, he was entitled to keep it to himself as long as he wanted.  Nor did she teach him to wait for someone to ask for something. But it sounds to me like she taught him to actively seek out ways to share and make other people happy.  I hope to be that wonderful of a mother.

This is probably a lot to say about one little topic of sharing, but I guess the fear is that the attitude would be seeping into other aspects of teaching your children. And I am in no way the perfect parent.  Much of the time I have no idea what I'm doing. But I do try to teach my children good manners and to be kind and caring.  And I hope that some of it will sink in!